A Letter To The Ideal

“I’m writing this for myself as much as I am writing it for you. As such, I do not expect you to read this, let alone for you to ever respond to it. I know what you had said during that one real conversation we had.

You told me about the importance of clear communication with the important people in your life. I know I’m not important in your life, but you’ve played a defining role in mine. I don’t think you understand just what you’ve done for me these last few years since meeting you, and I wanted to thank you for it.

I wasn’t kidding when I told you that from the very first day I met you, at the local park, some six years ago, in the alleyway near play area 1, that you left a distinct impression on my mind with the way you greeted me and shook my hand. It was one of strength, a strength that lies within the individual. I remember going back home that night and telling myself in the shower that that was the way I wanted to greet people, and then going downstairs to where my younger brother was to practice my hand shake with him.

As an 18 year old, I saw what it is I could become in you. I saw a guy who was a hell of an athlete, a hell of a teacher, a confident, charismatic and articulate man, and that’s who I wanted to be.

There were so many times I wanted to reach out to you, to learn from you. I went so far as to get your number from a friend because I wanted to ask you if you could train me, and act as a mentor to me too.

But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was so afraid. Literally, every single time I saw you or shared a few casual words as we greeted each other, I had butterflies in my stomach from a fear of judgment from what I considered to be my ideal. I lacked courage and was subjugated by fear.

This is part of the reason I’m writing to you now. Sometimes you need to prove things to yourself. I need to prove to myself that I do have the courage, without fear of judgment from you, or anyone else for that matter, to do the things I know, in my heart, I need to be doing. To speak up and say something when you have something worth sharing; when something is important; when something is meaningful.

The biggest realization I’ve had as a result of this experience is this: The importance of listening to your conscience, and insofar as it is possible given the nature and complexity of the individual’s unique experience, for one to strive to come as close to the truth as is possible.

When I had asked you for a book recommendation, you had recommended Dostoevsky’s The Brothers Karamazov. This quote, I believe, resonates with this realization:

“The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love, he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks to bestiality in his vices, all from continual lying to other men and to himself.”

Now I understand that just because your conscience tells you something, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what’s true or that it’s the right thing to do. Sometimes, most times, you just don’t, or can’t know what’s true or what the right thing is. But there are other times when… you know. And that’s what attempting to live by what’s true means. That is how you can distinguish the truth within and around you from the lies. That is how you prevent yourself from falling prey to hedonic passion and pleasure seeking, or living a life of ignorance or willful blindness. That is how you can show the ultimate form of love, not only to yourself, but to all those around you. By the truth. And this is to be found in choosing to live your life, with the decisions one must come to make, even those that may appear most trivial, in accordance with what you know to be good.

Over the last few months, I’ve been privileged to have individuals who were in very similar circumstances to those which I found myself in those six years ago, share with me that they’ve looked up to me in certain respects.

I’ve realized, in part from my interactions with you, the importance of being approachable, and of being open and vulnerable in sharing your experience with those around you.

The duty you can feel, to some one other person, to be all it is you can be, to perhaps help them in some manner become all it is they can be, can be a heavy, but meaningful responsibility to bear on your shoulders.

What I’m getting to is this: You can never really comprehend the kind of impact you can leave on a person. Words are powerful and they are meaningful. And one has the responsibility to choose their words with due consideration with the understanding that words can and do change lives. And that you, you could be that person, who leaves some meaningful impact, for the good, on someone else’s life.

Originally, I said I regret not reaching out to you before all this but I can’t say that now. If the events that have transpired hadn’t gone according to how they’ve gone, I wouldn’t be the man I am today. It has led to this.

What you ultimately gave me was an ideal to strive towards and there’s no way I can repay you for it other than saying thank you.”